I knew that it would eventually pay off if I listened to Rush Limbaugh. He explained today that liberals, like Obama et. Al. wanted to use the mechanism of government, in his words the most powerful force on earth, to institute and enforce infringements on our freedoms. Silly, nilly willy things he called them, like not buying big drinks and not advertising sugary cereals during Saturday morning cartoons. He said these were just things that instigated and perpetuated an infinity of gridlock and petty bickering when the government should be doing things like protecting our borders and making sure that business could function unimpeded and competitively in world markets.

I kind of like the idea of government trying to tell me what to do, so I can have something to argue about. I don’t like the thought of them doing huge, sweeping, incomprehensible things that give big businesses more power and let them pay less taxes and allow them to fuck up the environment to their hearts content. I mean, I don’t want to be cynical, but are the movers and shakers in this country really worried that the government is going to take away our guns and big sodas, or is the government the only thing standing between our freedoms and the crushing jackboot of big business? Seriously, who put the little bookstores and coffee shops out of business, the government or Starbucks and Barnes & Noble?

Sorry, normally I’m not a political enthusiast, but it is an election year and everybody else is putting their two cents in, and I am going to strive to be as absolutely neutral as possible. Right now I’m probably coming off as anti conservative, but I’m NOT! I have serious questions about their basic philosophy that I want answered. If the government isn’t going to meddle in our lives, does that seriously mean noone will? Is that the hope? The goal, whatever? Because it seems like someone is bound to swoop into that vacuum, and I’m pretty sure it won’t be me.

For instance, I heard a contractor call in to Rush and tell all the horrors of government regulation when trying to get anything accomplished. Tree surveys, owl surveys, etc etc, and it did sound ridiculous. So my question is, if a conservative president was elected, would that all go away? Everyone seems to argue in these gross generalizations and lofty philosophical clichés, but what about specific things that would change? Is there really something better that would happen if Romney were elected? And if so, what is it? And if, by any miracle, someone attempts to honestly answer my question, please don’t sputter at me angrily or act incredulous that anyone could possibly not understand the difference between what would happen if Romney got elected and if Obama got reelected. For the past year I have listened to Rush and Rusty and Neil and Beck and Savage, and I have had enough angry sputtering and incredulity and hilarity about how ignorant I am (without answering my specific questions), and I am starving for specifics.

I like Romney. I love Mormons. My high school sweetheart was a Mormon.

On Wednesday, June 6th at 5:14pm, I was writing this log entry and listening to Rusty Humphries interviewing Saxby Chambliss, and they discussed how Liberals were calling SWAT teams and having them raid the homes of Conservatives. I am going to see if I can get a transcript of the show. It’s still on. I’m listening to it and typing at the same time. Sort of a dumb person’s multitasking.

It’s a good thing that enriching uranium is so hard. Can you imagine if it was a piece of cake, how completely fucked we’d be?
But I’m going to start trying to enrich some myself if I have to hear about the stupid economy and unemployment rate much longer. I know it’s an election year thing and they have to do it, but what about all the other election-year things: the fun ones. Like elicit sexual affairs and skeletons in the closet and digging up dirt and stuff? I’ve been looking forward to some over-the-top mud-slinging for around a year now, funded by the Super-PACs and I’m getting nuthin’! Surely it can’t be too early to start ramping it up and move from headshots to something a little bit south of the belt. Come on! Politics is my favorite contact sport! I don’t want to see it pussified like hockey and football! Where’s Karl Rove? Where’s James Carville? Who’s running these wuswad campaigns?!

Luckily, I am here to save the day with media-savvy campaign ideas. First, Mitt Romney’s campaign. If I haven’t said this already, than you probably haven’t mentioned the economy.
YOU ARE BORING!!!! You are also a dupe of the mainstream media if you think that talking about the economy is going to win you this election. There are a few talk radio goons sniffing around for Obama dirt and you need to start taking a page from their book. Unfortunately, they are on the right train, but the wrong track, and here’s where I justify that tidal wave of lousy cliché’s by giving you the highly original solution to the “Obama problem”. The best the thugs are coming up with is trying to stake Obama to terrorism via his name, but that Obama/Osama thing is not getting it. Granted there are some really dumb people who think Obama has something to do with Islam and terrorism, and you shouldn’t let them get away. There just aren’t enough of them to make any difference, and when they speak it mostly provides the masses with entertainment at the expense of the dumb yokels.

What you need to do is tie Obama to Tiger Woods! Not the infidel, but the infidelity! If he’s not cheating on his wife, who cares? Just say he is! At least 3 million people in this country will believe you right off the bat, and they will all start flapping their gums incessantly. Never mention Obama without mentioning Tiger Woods again, because make no mistake about it, Tiger Woods is a tremendous disappointment, who blew his chance at greatness, and he wears the black hat now. Do you hear what I am seeing? Get on this right away! Implement PLAN: Tiger Woods!

Next, Barrack Obama’s campaign. Hello?! Mormons are notorious polygamists! “Discover” Romney’s other family living in a futuristic compound in the middle of the great salt flats. People will believe it! Hell, I practically believe it, and I am sitting here making this shit up! The possibilities with this storyline are endless! Get in there and quote his children on how they are waiting for God’s spirit children to come. Warp and distort the precepts of Mormonism! This is a PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION! Use the Super-PACS to make videos with lots of special effects. Come On! I only have three, maybe four elections left in me before I pass into the great wide open!

I am down to buying the newspaper once a week, watching the news once a week, and listening to talk radio once a week and it’s still too repetitive and boring to endure. What if you did any of those things every day? You would go insane!

I heard an interesting theory while I was tending bar last week which put forth that the world was literally too complicated to even attempt to put it on the nightly news, and the more I think about it, the more I think there might be literal truth in it. Imagine Peter Jennings, or Diane Sawyer trying to report this real life world development.

>The United States, China, and several other world powers are trying to negotiate with Iran to get them to stop enriching uranium.

>One of the United States negotiating tools is to sanction any country that buys more than X amount of oil from Iran.

>China buys more than X amount of oil from Iran.

>The United States has exempted 17 countries from the sanctions, but not China.

>The United States exempted India, Turkey, South Korea, Japan, Malaysia, Taiwan, and practically all of Europe.

>The United States buys more than X amount of oil from Iran.

“And that’ll do it for the Evening News. Join us tomorrow when we go back to making flaccid, nebulous, sweeping generalizations such as the economy is bad and, of course, unemployment is too high!”

Well, that was no fun getting swept by the Yankees at Turner Field. But at least I got to see A-Rod break Lou Gehrig’s all-time record by hitting his 23rd grand-slam homerun. History in he making!

Recently my mom sent me an article about an Olympic kayaker who developed Crohn’s disease a couple years ago.

Well, good news and bad news on the astrophysics front. Yes, yes, of course I’ll give you the bad news first, so we can end on a positive note (More Mom wisdom). It looks like man will be going back to asking priests and philosophers why we’re here, how we got here, where it all began, and what’s our role in this ginormous universe. After a couple of centuries of building cool stuff to investigate the cosmos it seems that Bush and Obama have so completely ruined the world economy that we have to take all the money from fun, useful projects and use it to pay billionaire’s yearly bonuses (Are you proud of me for my bi-partisanship?). The Hat Creek Observatory and the Allen Array have basically been turned off because noone can pay the bill. You know, that crazy SETI thing, where they’re trying to pick up messages from outer space; the one we all like to mock but secretly hope it will find something? Turned off. If it’s still not registering, think Jody Foster in Contact, or James Bond in that movie where he’s in the super-gigantic radar dish on railroad tracks. That’s SETI. Turned off. Oh well, remember, there’s good news too! Thanks to my mom. Wouldn’t that have been a bummer of a note to end on?

As our chance of escaping this planet in our lifetime approaches zero, I find that I am fielding more and more questions at the bar about the meaning of life, the universe, and man’s place in it.

What do you mean “I’m out of time?” You can’t let me leave this on a downbeat! NOOOOOOO!