THE SIDEWINDER PARKS ITSELF IN L5P (Guest columnist Gino DiAmore Donnaccia da Preda)

From my experience, dominance and submissiveness are as necessary for each other as oxygen-breathing creatures are to photosynthesis-using plants.  If this seems too intellectual for you, please stop reading and go back to describing your day on your facebook page, or suck it in and get out your dusty, old dictionary (an anachronism, I know, in this age of American-Heritage-Online) because for once, oh victim, I really have something to teach you.  A snake killed my cat, and the story goes like this.

It is a sort-of sad, yet endlessly fascinating aspect of the human condition that people are born with dispositions along various continuums, such as fat/skinny, smart/stupid, (intelligence is physical and if you don’t have an inkling about brain physiology or neuroanatomy, or if you haven’t played Dungeons and Dragons enough to differentiate between wisdom and intelligence then I demand to be unfriended by you)  male/female, cruel/kind, sadistic/masochistic, dominant/submissive, and on into infinity.  Since the shit can be shot about any and all of these, I am going to put them all in a hat and choose one.

I choo choo choose . . . YOU!

Much the same way that predatory creatures become excited or aroused by the sound of squeaking or the sight of furtive movement, so too do predatory money makers react when those being fleeced whine for justice or fairness.  A few hours of watching my own cat while writing out checks for all the parking tickets I’ve gotten in the past month really brought the striking similarities home.  As soon as the mouse (or shrew) finds it unbearable to play dead any longer the predator becomes excited and  “toys” with the catch, giving it a false sense that it has a chance.  Should the catch actually fight back in any way the cat becomes very aroused indeed and strikes an overly aggressive blow to demonstrate its overwhelming dominance and bring the prey back to a state of helpless resignation from which it is terrified to stray.

On a completely unrelated note, have you been following this crazy parking situation in L5P?  Basically, a couple years ago, the city of Atlanta had a squad of police officers and a bunch of parking meters that mostly worked.  Then, a business genius (sadly, an Inman park resident) had the unbelievable idea to insert a niche company, which tore down the old meters, put up new meters (sorry, I don’t understand how they work either) and hired (this is my favorite part) off-duty Atlanta Police Department officers to write tickets.  And boy do they ever write tickets!   All day, every day they walk up and down Euclid Avenue writing ticket after ticket (at 25 bucks a pop).  Obviously it’s not in the company’s interest to put up clear, understandable signage, or they probably would have.  I’ve wondered if one were to walk around L5P for an hour studying the signs, if they would ever yield clear instructions on where and when you can park, and how the meters work.  I sort of doubt it.  One thing is certain though.  If you were driving into L5P from out of town, as thousands of people do each weekend, there’s no possible way you could figure out what the parking situation was, and really, the absence of a meter next to each space is artfully deceptive and leads most out-of-towners to think parking is free, the way it is right down the road in the almost identical neighborhood of East Atlanta.  I suppose that scamming tourists must not seem so wrong when those piles of twenty-five-dollar checks start rolling in.  Man!  I wish I’d thought of this niche!

Anyway, as you’ve probably figured out if you work in the neighborhood, you pretty much have to park along the side streets in front of houses anymore, which I’m sure is thrilling for the people that live there.  Sorry, but Park Atlanta is a little out of my price range 9 hours a day 5 days a week.


(Actual conversation between Atlanta Politician and niche-business owner)

Politician: I agree with these shop owners that your parking scheme is bad for their business.

Niche businesswoman:  OK.  Here’s your cut of the money.

Politician:  Whoa!  Which one of these shop owners is squeaking and bothering you?  I’ll take care of him!

Niche businesswoman: No!  No!  Their struggling arouses and excites me.