PLASTIKI – by Gino

I don’t know if any of you folks have noticed, but it’s almost spring! Having survived the coldest winter in history since the Yacht Club started keeping records last fall it’s time to finish off those kegs of stout and porter and start tapping the wheat beers.  And remember, you heard it here first . . . DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME begins at midnight, Sunday, March 14th. Before then we will have a full-staff meeting to decide whether to stay open late or close early that night.  There is bound to be a lot of bitterness, hair-pulling and huffing and puffing, so I will try to find out the date and time of the meeting and post it so you can watch through the windows.  I think that might even be a special enough occasion for me to dig out the Hooters outfit.

But spring is more than just the end of curling season here at the Yacht Club, and as our brains thaw out and we begin to ween ourselves from a seasonal diet of chili-mac and hot toddies we collectively recollect the EAYC’s primary objective: TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.  And if my memory serves me correctly, (shut up, Randal) it is usually during those first short-sleeve days of spring that our thoughts turn in a semi-serious way to the establishment of a secondary outpost somewhere on the face of God’s green earth from which to work toward that noble goal.  That’s right, ladies and gentlenuns, I’m talking about opening another Yacht Club!

Mmmmmm!  Just thinking about it brings the world one giant step closer to perfection!  Imagine another Yacht Club at Fernandina Beach, Key West, El Paso, Nogales, Lakie Lanier, Sault Ste. Marie, Historic Williamsburg, Portland Oregon, Portland Maine, Port-Au-Prince!  Why, it just occured to me that the only reason we’ve never followed through on opening up another location is that we can’t decide on where to do it.  But this year it’s going to be different.  A location I have had my eye on for nearly a decade has finally presented itself as logistically feasible.  All we need is a crew of about thirty adventurous pioneering-types with rudimentary sailing skills, a willingness to endure a couple months of initial hardship, and a desire to make a ton of money on the new frontier serving beer.  As you have probably guessed by now I plan to open the Yacht Club II on the Texas-sized island of plastic water-bottles floating leisurely around the Northern Gyre of the Pacific Ocean.  I propose we name it Succor Island.  It’s capital can be Evian.

Unfortunately, up until this time, I have not gauged the knowledge or naivete` of the Euclid Avenue Yacht Club’s staff and clientele regarding Succor Island  but I suspect that if it is not already old news it will be by late summer.  In March a sixty-foot yacht christened the Plastiki will set sail from San Diego on a hundred-day mission to seek out new garbage in the Pacific Ocean with the express purpose of drawing attention to the gargantuan water-borne island of plastic bottles.  By carefully monitoring their findings, and planning ahead we should be ready to set sail in our own vessel directly upon their return.  With a couple thousand cases of beer, a power generator, a dozen weather-proof tents and a coffee can to keep our change in we should be able to open the Yacht Club II before the winter monsoon season gets into full swing.  Also, if we don’t handicap ourselves by building our yacht entirely out of used water-bottles like the crew of the Plastiki did we should be able to make better time and be ready to sell beer to Japanese whalers or lost Hawaiians.

Ultimately I envision the Yacht Club II to be not merely a bar, but a multi-purpose safe haven providing a variety of services, much like the Euclid Avenue Yacht Club.  We can import our entire menu of delicious food and supplement it with a variety of low-cost seafood dishes.  We can cater to physicists and astromomers who will undoubtedly flock to our new location to view the heavens unimpeded by light pollution.  Within a decade I imagine Succor Island will resemble Little Five Points in many ways as a shopping Mecca with the added bonus of aquatic oriented entertainments, not to mention that during its leisurely circumnavigation of the Pacific Ocean it will pass within easy shuttle distance (shuttles we will provide) of Japan, Alaska, Hawaii, Polynesia, California and South America.

Please send your resume` to 1768 Pennington Place, Atlanta, GA  30316.